


i called it love

by aeonpathy



Series: put the sun in my hands [8]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Falling Out of Love, Light Angst, Lovers to Friends, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 22:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20731436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeonpathy/pseuds/aeonpathy
Summary: they were the sky once. they were beautiful together. now, they are separate entities existing under the same sun, moon, stars, and clouds. a sad reminder thatthere are no forevers.





	i called it love

**Author's Note:**

> this is very off brand of me omg this is my first angsty work EVER

☂

ten believed they were soulmates. in tune with one another, so similar and yet _so different._ they were the sky; they rose and fell the same.

when he stared into johnny's eyes, everything was tacit, everything was known between them, everything was beautiful. entire conversations could be shared just by looking at each other, and when they smiled, _boy, _it seemed like the world around them stopped.

but then, they stopped instead.

☂

he doesn't recognize the feeling when it first happens. his eyebrow furrows, sure, but he brushes it off as having a weird day.

"hey, welcome back from class babe," ten whispers, tip-toeing and pressing a soft kiss against johnny's lips.

johnny responds with another kiss. "i missed you so much."

they hug for a moment at the entrance, soaking in that moment of silence. ten scrunches the fabric of johnny's sweater into his palm and exhales quietly. for some reason, he can't stay still, and would rather be in the comfort of their bedroom than the comfort of johnny's arms.

ten allows his arms to drop as he carefully steps back.

"i'm going to be in the bedroom...i left you some food on the table." he hesitantly grabs his boyfriend's hand and leads him to the kitchen, giving johnny a small smile before scurrying away.

the door shuts behind him, and only then does ten feel the hollowness in his heart.

☂

the second time around, he puts a name to it.

ten hates it. he knows exactly what it is, but he can't understand _why._

_why? _

they're on the sofa cuddling, watching some random food network show. johnny absentmindedly is rubbing circles on his back, and ten can't even focus on the show or johnny because he's drowning, suffocating, and sinking into a void of dangerous thoughts.

there's no warmth anymore. he's noticed that he doesn't do things as he normally would. especially how he is lately, not eager to do much.

if johnny noticed anything strange or off, he hasn't said anything about it.

he hates it. hates how it feels like some sort of sick, cruel joke. because ten has known johnny for years, and has loved him for a good amount of those years. and most of all, he hates that now, every hug and kiss feels more like an obligation he's not willing to carry through with, and how his voice dies out at the end of every _'i love you.'_

"ten," johnny says, blinking at him. "you're thinking too much, what's going on?"

his eyes burn. it takes all his willpower to shove his tears behind a gate and lock them there. curse johnny and his attentiveness, how he knows everything about ten like the back of his hand.

he sighs. "i'm just tired."

_ten feels the guilt start to dig its claws into his heart, slowly tearing it apart._

☂

it comes out the third time.

they're in the middle of a small disagreement when ten fucks up and lets it slip. 

"you're not hiding anything, right? _god,_ you seem so stressed these days." johnny rests his forehead against his palm, slumping over in their bar stool. 

ten swallows the lump in his throat. "john, i told you already, it's just...classes are really tiring me out."

"you and i both know that's not what's on your mind," he sighs, standing up and walking towards him.

ten stares at the ground. hands cup his face, forcing him to look at johnny.

"ten, please, you know i hate when something's bothering you. bottling things up never ends well," johnny says, raising an eyebrow.

but the guilt is still eating away and trapping him. ten stares, mouth wobbling.

his boyfriend's eyes turn soft. "babe—"

_"i don't love you anymore."_

it comes out—broken and scared—before ten can clap his hand over his mouth. he gapes at johnny, horrified. it takes johnny a moment to process before his hands are torn away, like he's been burnt.

and ten can't stop the gut-wrenching wail that leaves his mouth. the gates behind his eyes finally swing open, the tears falling rapidly down his face. the guilt consumes the entirety of his heart.

_"johnny, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry," _he cries, violently shaking. ten's vision is blurry, his nose is running and all he can hear are his own sobs.

arms wrap around him.

ten can't hear clearly, but he can certainly feel. and what he feels breaks him even more, because johnny's shaking around him, and ten can feel his neck get wet. he buries his face in johnny's chest and they stay here, trying to anchor each other down. because now, things are not the same, and things will change.

it feels like _hours. _they cry together in disbelief, shock, confusion, and of course, guilt.

because how?_ they're indestructible together_. they've dated for six years, even thought about their wedding plans, spent nights talking about what the future held for them. but now there's no more years to add after that, there's no wedding plan being executed, and devastatingly, _there's no more future for them._

☂

they're sitting silently at their kitchen table, not really knowing what to say. 

until johnny excuses himself.

"i'll be right back," he mumbles, standing up and heading to <strike></strike>the<strike>ir</strike> bedroom. ten bites his lips to stop his eyes from watering again, because johnny rarely sounds so tired and spent. the sound of drawers being opened echo throughout their apartment, and a few moments later, johnny sits back in front of him holding a pencil and familiar notebook.

_the notebook he gave johnny as their first anniversary gift. _

ten's heart clenches painfully.

the former gives him a shaky smile. "you were never good with speaking your mind," he starts, "but you've always been a writer. i want you to tell me. all about it...anything you want to say but can't."

tears start sliding down his cheeks for a third time that day. when he looks up at johnny, he's tearing up again too, gnawing his bottom lip, but he's still trying to smile for the both of them.

_"tennie,_ _please."_

taking a deep breath, he grabs onto the notebook and pencil. ten, through his tears, flips to an empty page, and spills his heart out.

☂

_hey john, _

_ i'm sorry if you can't read my handwriting because i can't really see the page, and i'm pretty sure there are tears soaking the paper but anyways!!! let me say this. you will always be my first and last true love. i don't know if i'll ever love anyone the way i loved you. i don't even know if i'll ever love again, if i'm being honest. being with you made me the happiest person alive. you've made me feel like i could fly. you made me feel alive. i loved you so much that if you asked me to bring you a star in the sky, i'd bring you dozens, because you deserve everything. it's with you i felt like everything and anything was possible. we had each other like no one else ever would. it was always you and i against the world. we were soulmates. to be destined forever by each other's side. _

_ i don't know when things started to change, when things started to feel different. and truthfully, i never wanted this. i never wanted for us to change. this isn't the fate i dreamed of. it's just one day, i woke up, and realized something was off. you were warm and yet you weren't. how our hugs and kisses no longer gave me the same sense of relief and joy and love it used to. i didn't notice it at first. it slowly showed itself to me. and fuck, it tore me, shredded me to pieces. i couldn't bring myself to accept that i was no longer feeling the same way i used to towards you. because how could i be feeling that? when i loved you in this galaxy to the next, i was so sure something was wrong with me. i couldn't tell you. and it ate away at me._

_ there was a little voice telling me in the back of my head that we wouldn't be everlasting. you, us, was something i knew in the end that i wouldn't be able to grasp onto. you would escape my clutches, whether you and i liked it or not. you were something i was never meant to keep. have you ever thought about how similar yet different we are? as i write, i'm starting to think that maybe even when the impossible felt like the possible, we were still holding each other back. don't let our past refrain you from experiencing the wonders life has to offer._

_ i want to apologize, but i don't know what i should be sorry for. because i could never regret you. i could never. we were the sky, a combination and clash of the prettiest things of our days. you've been nothing but the love of my life. my partner, my ride or die, my best friend. i can never let you go, even if i have romantically. please john, i beg, do not blame yourself for this. you did nothing wrong. you've done even more than what i could've wished for and you've done everything i could've asked. you taught me how to love, how to be me, and how to appreciate every single little thing life tossed my way. we learned to be in sync with one another. _

_ last of all, i'll never forget our memories. i'll treasure and keep them buried with me. i'm certain, without a doubt, that in another life, we will be destined to a forever, that we will be actual soulmates. we'll have the wedding we've always wanted, have the future we spent so many sleepless nights talking about, and grow old and wrinkly until death do us part. even in death, we'd still have each other, because we've always been the stubborn type._

_ we may no longer be lovers, but i can't bear to lose you just like that. i won't allow you to slip through my fingers. you are my best friend before anything. even if it has to be reduced to friends, it's selfish of me to want to keep you around. i understand if you'd rather part ways, but deep down i know you feel just the same as i do. we could never stand to be far away from each other, anyways. we're always stuck at the hip._

_ i want us to heal. to start again and pace ourselves, to learn how to be friends before lovers. because even then, you're still my sun._

_your moon,_

_ten. _☽

☂

the page is near incomprehensible at this point, ten is sure, because he hasn't stopped crying, even after he handed johnny back the notebook. he bores a hole, glaring at a tiny sliver of sunlight on the floor, but forces himself to look up.

he can hear it this time. where as ten's been reduced to tears and hiccups, johnny is crying with loud, breathy gasps.

he has the notebook gripped tightly as he reads, and lets out a choked sob every other five seconds. it takes johnny to finish reading in three minutes, and he's bringing his sleeve up to wipe at his blotchy, tear and snot-ridden face. then, he stands up and gathers ten up in another hug.

"of course, we'll always be best friends, you're dumb if you think i would leave just like that," johnny sniffles, exhaling through his mouth. "looks like we'll have to convert the studio back into another bedroom, until we're both healed and you come back sneaking into my room for cuddles."

ten, even though his throat is drier than the pavement outside, laughs.

"of course, yeah." 

☂

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god what have i done
> 
> bro this hurt :"-)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/laoxaichay)  
[curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/laoxaichay)


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